It had gotten really bad.

Passing one another in the hallways at work and barely uttering a word.  Contrived between the both of us,  the least either of us could manage was to barely snarl a “hey” or shoot a condescending glance as a greeting.    This was what was left of our tight knit sisterhood.  For four years we’d worked together and managed to build a deep and very fulfilling bond.  We did everything together.  My biological sister even proclaimed her our “little sister”.  I rushed past her another morning, having inadvertently run into her   in the small kitchen area of our office.  She barely met my eyes and if she opened her mouth to mumble something unintelligible, then I wasn’t aware.  I walked away, tears threatening to burst forth at any moment.  Inside, I was a wreck.  “I hate this shit”, I thought.

And we went on that way for months.  Me misinterpreting her every glance as anger and not processing it as the authentic anxiety that it truly was.  Her assuming the worst and having entire conversations in her mind about what I must be thinking of her.

So how did we get here?

We had a grand girls trip planned for my other best friend’s birthday that lived in the ATL.  They were such similar souls and kind spirits that I knew they would meet one another and hit it off just like old friends.  Since we live only about five hours outside of Atlanta, we decided to make a road trip of it.  Once we arrived our whirlwind weekend began.  It was epic, or what the young millennial s of this day and age call “LIT”.  We had such a great time and shared so many adventures that it was impossible to believe that only 30 days later ,we would not speak again for a very long time.  I don’t know about you,  but vacations always leave me a little light on cash.  This particular trip was no different. Upon our arrival back home, my friend began stressing about the fact that she’d spent far too much money.  Hell, I could understand her anxiety, I’d overspent to the point of needing to replace as much as $200 in my checking account that was needed to pay a couple of important bills.  I told her not to worry about it.  I’d front her the dough.  I was on my way to my bank to withdraw some money that I’d stashed away for days just like this. 

So, I did.  She didn’t one time ask me for the money.  It was all my idea.  I couldn’t bear the thought of her stressing out about something that I could easily help her with.  I told her to give it back the next month, “no big deal”. I said

Believe it or not, the craziest shit converged upon my life within the next two to three weeks.  My security stash dwindled to nothing and I still had several large ticketed bills that were due or else!  My anxiety was at an all time high.  I began to think of who I could borrow a couple of hundred dollars from in a hurry.  No sooner than the thought crossed my mind, I remembered that I’d given my good sister friend a sizable loan the previous month.  

We bumped into one another the next day and were exchanging stories about life and family when she shared with me a most recent tragedy that she was experiencing.  She said that she needed to move asap, that there were some problems with mold in her apartment and that the situation looked bleak.  I listened and nodded my head in understanding, but my mind was fogged with concerns of my own problems.  Before I could stop it, I carelessly blurted out the question.. “Hey….do you have any idea when you can give me something on that loan?” 

Yep, right there in that moment.  I asked the unforgivable question.  Honestly, in retrospect it sounds horrible, but at the time,  y’all it was simple self preservation.  She said she didn’t have it but would see what she could do.  I could tell that she was livid, yet somehow managed to pay my money back.  I felt awful.  After that we just stopped talking.

At first I walked my self righteous ass around like I was 100% in the right.  (Don’t judge me I’m a Leo, we are stupidly proud).  After a month or so though, I approached her and asked if everything was ok.  Either she was still extremely disgusted, still in the midst of her situation or just “DONE”.  Regardless her responses were very short and to be quite frank, her ass had become totally FAKE.    IT’S ON NOW!!!

 Unfortunately, a monetary transaction along with a huge  misunderstanding led to months of anger, confusion and regrettable time apart from our sisterhood.

what i learned about myself from this experience:

I realized that my good friend was actually a casualty of the crap that was built into my personal psyche about loaning people money. 

This wasn’t even her fault.  To begin with, believe it or not, I actually offered her the money.  Knowing full well, that the money was important to me, I offered it and without letting her know that she only had so much time that she could hold on to my cash.  Like a month, if that.

Shame on me!  She also didn’t know how hard I saved or how long it took me to create that little nest egg.  How was she to know all these things? As a proud Leo, I always acted like it was all good.  

 One day we had a tearful reunion, complete with hugs and apologies.  Now 6 months later we are closer than ever.   I’ve created a new personal philosophy.

I vow to never loan her or anyone else money again!!!

The truth is if I can’t afford to give it to her,  not as a loan but as a gift, then all I have to give is love and support.  That’s far better than the months of silence and anger that we exchanged for nothing at all. 

None of it was worth losing a friendship.

Melaninqueen