Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. It’s called growth and that’s ok!!!
I think of a friendship like a living, breathing organism. Instead of food and water it requires love, respect, admiration and two like minded individuals that truly enjoy the camaraderie of one another. This week, I became resolved that my on again, off again friendship with someone that I was extremely fond of and had really and truly considered one of my best friends, frankly, was just NOT! The truth is, this person really didn’t like me.
How do I know this, you might ask? People’s actions will tell you everything that you need to know if you look, listen and actually pay attention. Therefore, after several situations that I considered to be suspect behavior from a so-called best friend, I finally came to the resolution that this person just doesn’t like me very much. I’ve also considered that they just didn’t know how to be a best friend. Most of what we do is done by example, even inadvertently.
Perhaps my requirements for being a best friend may be a bit too stern: Here’s what I give plenty of and therefore ask for the same treatment in return.
- LOYALTY
- RECIPROCITY
- ADMIRATION
- HONESTY
- LOVE
That pretty much rounds out the list for me. Unfortunately, people tell you who they are very early in the game, but it is us who refuse to see the signs and in my case, absolutely ignored too many things until the bullshit became blatant!!!!
That’s called “COGNITIVE DISSONANCE”. I mean, the truth is that a small quiet voice whispered to me every time some shit was off. Every time a situation arose that made me feel unappreciated or talked about or even when I caught the side ways eye rolling as I walked away, I knew, but I really wanted to believe otherwise. You see, I enjoyed our seemingly fake interactions and false “best friend” bravado. Ahh yes, we were so close or so I really wanted to believe so.
The truth is a friend authentically wants the best for you. A friend doesn’t talk shit about you with people that they know doesn’t care for you even if it is their closest family member. A friend acts truly concerned for your health and welfare.
At the end though, I still wish the best for them. What I have learned has truly taught me to keep things simple, everybody doesn’t have the capacity to accept or appreciate unadulterated love, also authentic friendship must be earned.
It’s tough but sometimes the lesson helps us grow.
Melanin Queen
To Loan or not to Loan??? Definitely NOT worth losing a friendship!
It had gotten really bad.
Passing one another in the hallways at work and barely uttering a word. Contrived between the both of us, the least either of us could manage was to barely snarl a “hey” or shoot a condescending glance as a greeting. This was what was left of our tight knit sisterhood. For four years we’d worked together and managed to build a deep and very fulfilling bond. We did everything together. My biological sister even proclaimed her our “little sister”. I rushed past her another morning, having inadvertently run into her in the small kitchen area of our office. She barely met my eyes and if she opened her mouth to mumble something unintelligible, then I wasn’t aware. I walked away, tears threatening to burst forth at any moment. Inside, I was a wreck. “I hate this shit”, I thought.
And we went on that way for months. Me misinterpreting her every glance as anger and not processing it as the authentic anxiety that it truly was. Her assuming the worst and having entire conversations in her mind about what I must be thinking of her.
So how did we get here?
We had a grand girls trip planned for my other best friend’s birthday that lived in the ATL. They were such similar souls and kind spirits that I knew they would meet one another and hit it off just like old friends. Since we live only about five hours outside of Atlanta, we decided to make a road trip of it. Once we arrived our whirlwind weekend began. It was epic, or what the young millennial s of this day and age call “LIT”. We had such a great time and shared so many adventures that it was impossible to believe that only 30 days later ,we would not speak again for a very long time. I don’t know about you, but vacations always leave me a little light on cash. This particular trip was no different. Upon our arrival back home, my friend began stressing about the fact that she’d spent far too much money. Hell, I could understand her anxiety, I’d overspent to the point of needing to replace as much as $200 in my checking account that was needed to pay a couple of important bills. I told her not to worry about it. I’d front her the dough. I was on my way to my bank to withdraw some money that I’d stashed away for days just like this.
So, I did. She didn’t one time ask me for the money. It was all my idea. I couldn’t bear the thought of her stressing out about something that I could easily help her with. I told her to give it back the next month, “no big deal”. I said
Believe it or not, the craziest shit converged upon my life within the next two to three weeks. My security stash dwindled to nothing and I still had several large ticketed bills that were due or else! My anxiety was at an all time high. I began to think of who I could borrow a couple of hundred dollars from in a hurry. No sooner than the thought crossed my mind, I remembered that I’d given my good sister friend a sizable loan the previous month.
We bumped into one another the next day and were exchanging stories about life and family when she shared with me a most recent tragedy that she was experiencing. She said that she needed to move asap, that there were some problems with mold in her apartment and that the situation looked bleak. I listened and nodded my head in understanding, but my mind was fogged with concerns of my own problems. Before I could stop it, I carelessly blurted out the question.. “Hey….do you have any idea when you can give me something on that loan?”
Yep, right there in that moment. I asked the unforgivable question. Honestly, in retrospect it sounds horrible, but at the time, y’all it was simple self preservation. She said she didn’t have it but would see what she could do. I could tell that she was livid, yet somehow managed to pay my money back. I felt awful. After that we just stopped talking.
At first I walked my self righteous ass around like I was 100% in the right. (Don’t judge me I’m a Leo, we are stupidly proud). After a month or so though, I approached her and asked if everything was ok. Either she was still extremely disgusted, still in the midst of her situation or just “DONE”. Regardless her responses were very short and to be quite frank, her ass had become totally FAKE. IT’S ON NOW!!!
Unfortunately, a monetary transaction along with a huge misunderstanding led to months of anger, confusion and regrettable time apart from our sisterhood.
what i learned about myself from this experience:
I realized that my good friend was actually a casualty of the crap that was built into my personal psyche about loaning people money.
This wasn’t even her fault. To begin with, believe it or not, I actually offered her the money. Knowing full well, that the money was important to me, I offered it and without letting her know that she only had so much time that she could hold on to my cash. Like a month, if that.
Shame on me! She also didn’t know how hard I saved or how long it took me to create that little nest egg. How was she to know all these things? As a proud Leo, I always acted like it was all good.
One day we had a tearful reunion, complete with hugs and apologies. Now 6 months later we are closer than ever. I’ve created a new personal philosophy.
I vow to never loan her or anyone else money again!!!
The truth is if I can’t afford to give it to her, not as a loan but as a gift, then all I have to give is love and support. That’s far better than the months of silence and anger that we exchanged for nothing at all.
None of it was worth losing a friendship.
Melaninqueen
Gender Wars within our community; The Evolution of the “FuckBoy”; Bed-Wenches & Thots * We can fix this. Love is the key!!!
Years ago, when I was a devout Baptist church goer, I remember having a conversation with the first Lady of our church. She told my sister and I that she held ALL the power in her household and she did it by convincing the Pastor that he was the King of the Castle. She said that sometimes he would come in with the weight of the world on his shoulders, she said the parishioners, the Deacon Board and everyone else were pulling him in a million directions. Instead of him articulating this to her, he would be mean and surly. Barking at her to do this or that, he would often take his bad day out on her. She said in the beginning of the marriage she would fly off right back at him. Who did he think he was to to treat her so badly when she’d been cooking and cleaning and preparing his meals, she thought. Then after dinner he’d stomp upstairs and slam the bedroom door, only to assume that she would be ready for sex after having treated her with disdain and arrogance. One day she tried a different approach. When he walked in yelling like the angry tyrant that he could often be, she spoke softly and walked right up to him and with her soft lips covered his. She gently kneaded his shoulders and stared deeply into his eyes and asked if he would like a drink. She skillfully directed his attention to her dress and her hair and asked if he liked what she was wearing. She then whispered in his ear and told him that she had been thinking about him all day and couldn’t wait until the kids were asleep. That day she realized the power of Love over aggression.
There is a gender war between black men and black women happening right before our very eyes. It isn’t silent or stealthy, it is in your face nasty. You can see it everywhere you look. It arises when someone posts something about a person not being faithful or dating outside of their race, undoubtedly the nasty comments begin. Unfortunately, negative thought processes among Black men and Black women have been brewing now for years. Social Media is to blame for a large part of the nastiness that is now loud and clear for the world to see. It’s almost as if we hate one another. I mean, who can believe in “Black Love” when we talk about each other so badly. Prior to the social media age and in the past, certain conversations about the opposite sex remained amongst one’s peer group. You might hear complaints or certain perceptions shared in the beauty salons or the barber shops but NEVER as obviously shameless as now comes across on today’s social media platforms. One example of the abject disrespect is noted film maker and “Hidden Colors” creator Tariq Nasheed. Recently a YouTube video surfaced of him comparing white women and Brazilian women to African-American women. He said that the respect was completely different. He also sang the praises of Brazilian women, their thin bodies and their “Real Hair”. He noted that a white woman and black man was always a good match. His most popular term for Black women that date outside their race is “The Negro Bed Wench”. While that’s not my cup of tea, I will admit that I could see why some of the rhetoric that I hear discussed among black men about us black women could drive us away. Sometimes I think that the Black Man is a walking contradiction. Why lust after the strippers and easy women that are obviously always going to be there, but then talk down about easy tricks and Thots on social media and amongst your peer groups?
This among other hurtful rejections from notable African-American men are the reasons that Black Women have increasingly accepted or considered matches with their non-black counterparts.
The Truth is that Black Women’s treatment of Black Men is no better.
This split has been brewing most of my life, that I can remember. My mother owned a beauty salon, that’s all they talked about. “Girl you know he ain’t shit”… “He’s so damn trifling. He sitting around trying to start a business, he needs to get a real damn job.” This constant bickering and putting our men down has not helped our relationships. I can speak particularly about my personal journey. My mother NEVER supported my father’s dreams of owning his own insurance business. Listen, he just wasn’t the dude to work the corporate plantation. When the money was good, it was great. When it wasn’t she would TEAR HIM TO SHREDS. She talked about him to anyone that would listen. To my aunts, to her clients to anyone that had even a hint of something nice to say about him. Eventually, he quit trying altogether. Things got so bad that he stopped coming home. To add insult to injury they remained together that way for 40 years. Ripping each other to shreds. Her, completely emasculating his manhood and character, ignoring any good things that he attempted to build in our family and him cheating so ignorantly and disgustingly that a guy I was dating actually brought it up to me. “Hey” he said one day. “Why is your dad being so foul to your mom?” Just like Mama Braxton exclaimed during an episode of “Braxton Family Values”. My dad was “Laying it low & Spreading it wide.” His behavior was all over our neighborhood, behavior one might label “FuckBoy” behavior.
Yes! Ladies, we have even created a brand for a specific type of black man. We call them “FuckBoys”. This brand has been exchanged between black women for a few years and has gained popularity among popular social media websites. The title “FuckBoy” has various meanings. I looked this up in the Urban Dictionary and found several perspectives. The main ones that I hear are this: A guy (grown man) that has a bunch of kids and spends time with more than one of his children’s mothers. He is actively living between at least two of them but still seeking new women to meet and sleep with. He has no intention of settling down with any woman, lies constantly and his only past time is to have sex with women. That is where I’ll stop because it can get extremely nasty and definitely the message that I’m not attempting to send in this blog.
I’ve interviewed men and women with different perspectives and on both sides, I see the same similarity. Black Women and Black Men are dealing with a serious level of anger towards one another. What I have found is that it may not just be the last “BAD” relationship. This may be something that you were reared with. We are all a product of the experiences of our upbringing. I do believe we can get beyond this.
Regardless of the things that we read, the occasional Thot or Fuckboy, Black Love is real. I know we sincerely love and want one another, so why can’t we come together?
I tested this theory out recently, by posting this sentiment on social media. I said: “Regardless of what you have said about me, black man, I will NEVER leave you. I was made for you.”
The response was overwhelming. I probably had about 40 comments from black men telling me that they love what I said and thanking me for loving and supporting them. I even had a sister or two give me kudos for taking this perspective. I really believe if we stop airing our dirty laundry to one another, stop ALLOWING certain men or women to play us and start seeing black men and women as the Kings and Queens that we are, I believe we will see different behavior.
I’m encouraging us ALL, on both sides to focus on the LOVE. I truly believe LOVE is the key and that’s the new route that I’ll be taking.
Love
Tyra
Stop Shopping and Sell Something!!!
One of the reasons that I started this page was to give tips and advice about how we all can be better with our money. I’m certainly not perfect and the reason that I call myself the FRUGAL Wannabe is because I’m always aspiring to be frugal, though I will admit to falling short occasionally.
Many of you know that I’m the queen of getting and making money OUTSIDE of a 9-5 job, I mean, I do it all. I Cook, I Do Hair as well as Make Skincare Products and run a popular blog. I do all this so that I can afford to do all the things that I want to do, including travel and afford a certain lifestyle. But that wouldn’t be possible without all my side hustles.
(my line of handmade skincare products, just one of my side hustles)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping your 9-5.
However, if you are not making ends meet but still insist on shopping and spending money without a budget, nothing will change for you. In fact it can only get worse.
Get creative and make some money with what you already know how to do. Quit worrying about what your mama or auntie, or friends have to say about how you pay your bills. You have to do what’s best for you and your household.
Love ya’ll.
Thanks for reading.
Tyra
Will Social Security Really Run Out of Money?
Will Social Security Really Run Out of Money?
This may be of little interest to you now. Yep, while you are young and active with money in your pocket, I’m guessing that planning for your future as a retired senior citizen is low on your list of priorities.
Well, I’m here to give you some advice. According to Money Magazine the average Social Security check by 2033 will only be around $1330 a month. If this amount of money works for you, great! Your ready! However, for most of us, $1330 a month is a joke. Seriously! Additionally, we have no idea what inflation looks in America, 15 years from now. Yeah, That Part!
So, the truth is as long as Americans continue to work and pay taxes, Social Security will never run out. However, the amount of money that the system allots per month is really not a realistic amount to live off.
This is the part where I step on toes, for our own good, of course. I know I’m not the only one sending an elderly parent, grandma, auntie…etc money through Moneygram once a month!!!
Regardless of how old you are, if you haven’t begun investing for your retirement, you need to start immediately.
That is also why becoming debt free and thinking about every little dollar that you spend today will make a world of a difference in how you live 15 years from now.
Thanks for reading.
Tyra
The Frugal Wannabe Anti-Shopping Checklist
The Frugal Wannabe Anti-Shopping Checklist:
1. Avoid the store that makes you say “I really love this store”. You know the store that has all the bright colors and every little item that draws your attention. The store that you can’t spend less than $75 in. Yes! That store. Stay away from there. For me it’s Ulta or Sephora. Spawn of the damn devil.
2. Pay your Bills 1st. This is super important, I never leave the house the weekend after payday until I have insured that all bills that need to be paid for that paycheck are taken care of. At that point you know the amount of money left in your bank account is all that’s standing between you and the damn store.
3. Write a shopping list and don’t go grocery shopping hungry.
Now this is not a joke. You will end up spending far more money if you go grocery shopping hungry than you would if you were full and thinking on a full stomach. Also, writhing a shopping list reminds you to pickup all the things that you need and helps you to avoid the things that you don’t.
This is a fluid list that changes as I research and discover new and improved ways of living financially responsibly.
Thanks for reading
Tyra
Are you making the most of your financial windfalls?
Are you making the most of your financial windfalls?
A financial windfall is a large amount of money that falls in your lap for whatever reason. You may consider it a financial windfall when you receive a large income tax refund, you might even win a large amount of money in the lottery. Whatever the reason, It’s what you do with that money that could make the difference in your life for months to come or even years to come.
Either way: Try this technique when you receive any money!
1. Put about 40% of that money away for a rainy day.
2. Put about 30% of the money towards the bill with the largest balance.
3. Lastly don’t forget to splurge a little. Take the last 30% and live a little.
This is just one of the ways that I’ve been able to hold on to money by creating this rule about how I split my money.
Remember, what you do with your money can help you realize experiences that can ennrich your life right now and for years to come.
2018 Ballin on a Budget!!! Perspectives of a self-proclaimed Frugal Wannabe.
Five years ago, I would have been the “LAST” chick to tell anyone about living on a budget. However, ya girl is pretty rigid about her money these days. These days, I know every transaction that hits my checking account to the last hot penny. Yes, that takes discipline, more importantly that takes organization. It has taken years for me to understand that I have to run my life the way CEOs run a business. But don’t get me wrong. I truly enjoy the finer things in life. I mean, check my blogs past, it is clear that I love to “Ball”! However, several things made me change my outlook on how I spend my money. The most important factor in my change was a constant, burning desire to see it GROW!!! One might ask, “how can someone make their money grow, living paycheck to paycheck with no saving account in sight. Well, I challenge you to take a very close look at your spending habits.
You may think you know everything that goes in and out of your bank account. It’s all inside your head right? Of course you might have forgotten about that 30 day free subscription that you signed up for 2 months ago. Oh and remember that one weekend you blew at least 50% of your paycheck at the Casino/Mall/Strip Club? Hey….no judgement here. To each his own. Even if this money was all disposable income, some of it, at least a small portion could have been slid away to build up for a rainy day. I’ve compiled a few tips of my own that may help stash away some bread for the unexpected.
- open a savings account in a bank that is located in an inconvenient location. (Absolutely the easiest way to accumulate wealth)
So, listen. This part is very important. We typically select banks that are close to either home or work. You will NEVER be able to build wealth, if you keep putting your hands in the cookie jar. I was not able to keep ANY money for myself until I opened a savings account in a bank that was NOT in close proximity to my house or my job. You can have a small portion of your paycheck directly deposited into the new account. It’s so simple and you NEVER even see it.
- Pay yourself $20 a day, or week or even just every two weeks according to your pay cycle. Imagine saving just $20 a week for 52 weeks. At the end of the year you would have accumulated $1,040. I don’t know about you, but I could think of a lot of things that I could do with that kind of dough. Consider the last deposit as the last payment towards your annual gift payout. Be creative with it. Fund a trip or finally afford yourself the luxury of a piece of jewelry or even use as a down payment on a new car. (I mean if you gotta be all sensible and responsible. then pay an extra payment on your car note) Uuhhh, not my favorite option though
- My last tip to stash some cash is my favorite. Income tax payments, for some, are an emotional influx of cash that allows us to live our wildest dreams….well maybe not for those of us that owe. But you get my point. Once I took $1,000 of my income tax refund, slid it into an envelope and gave it to my aunt. I asked her to keep it for me and not to allow me to have it back for at least a year. I actually forgot all about it. A year later she reminded me that she still had my money and asked me if I wanted it back. I was so impressed with myself. Well, actually, the truth is, I called her because I needed new tires on my car and I’d just remembered that I had that sweet little stash to draw from.
I hope these tips helped. Saving money and watching it grow is at the forefront my passions. I’m always devising new and interesting ways to hold onto the money that I work very hard for. Join me in my journey. Feel free to post your thoughts about interesting ways that you have found to save and grow your own money. Email me your thoughts at melaninpot@gmail.com
What I love about #Nola Darling & Spike Lee’s She’s Gotta Have It!!!
So, if you haven’t heard the buzz surrounding the newest Netflix Series called “She’s Gotta Have It” You must be living underneath a rock. The Spike Lee, re imagined series based off the original movie from the 1986 feature length movie, completely threw me off guard. Now, back in the day I wasn’t even remotely interested in watching the original version of the movie. However, in light of my recent (early forty’s newfound consciousness) I’ve begun to look at things from a much more open perspective. Honey, let me tell you, that is exactly what you will need to do, in order to completely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the character known as Nola Darling.
YES! I binged all 10 episodes in a 24 hour period. Of course when you live in “Nothing Better to Do North Carolina, that isn’t very hard to achieve.
Now let me keep it 100%.
She almost lost me by episode 2. Firstly, I couldn’t really understand what all the unnecessary screwing of several (isn’t several 3?) different guys amounted to. I was instantly appalled that Netflix would even subscribe to showing a black woman in this light. Also, I think the only reason that I kept watching was because I truly felt pity for her. How dare I…..
I’m not gone lie…..OK, so at first, I had my face screwed up. I mean I never appreciated the original version of the movie. I thought it was cheap and stupid. Truth be told though, it took a while for me to throw judgement out the window. I realize now, that I was doing what many of us do. We judge people without truly attempting to understand. So, finally after watching about 4 episodes….I began to identify with certain aspects of Nola’s personality.
What I realize now is that this new present day version of Nola Darling reminds me of the girl next door, you know turned all Afrocentric and conscious and shit. I swear, she reminds me of every third girl on social media who has an uplifting and positive message with great style, flair and of course, natural hair. So the truth is I feel like I know her. I mean the conversations that she had with her friends are so typical of the ones I’ve experienced with my own girlfriends. Real conversations about life, society black womanhood, relationships, independence etc. I guess I saw so many glimpses of myself in Nola.
But For Real Tho…..
OK, so living without a real job was, admittedly, unrealistic as hell for me. BUT, let me say that if I had the guts to quit this good damn job and start painting or making natural skincare products or writing blogs all day, while waiting on some magical grant to come through, I WOULD TOTALLY DO IT. For some that may be a pipe dream, but for others, hey leaping and believing the net will appear actually does happen. I know more than one person that left corporate or otherwise seemingly secure jobs in the workplace to do what they love in hopes of turning their passion into profit and have found success in the process.
While it may appear that Nola is extreme in her juggling of 3 (occasionally 4) relationships at once, one has to appreciate her effortless ballet of sex, art, then more sex and more art again.
The real truth about Nola Darling is that she represents the ideal of a truly emancipated, free and independent woman. She ascribes to no rules except the ones that she creates for herself. And thank goodness for the “must use a condom rule”, cuz the way she was smacking it up and flipping …. But I digress. What I understood about myself after watching this series is that I really admired Nola. She represents at her core a level of authenticity that few of us will realize maybe in this lifetime. Unfortunately, many of us are so worried what others think about us that it literally cripples us into doing or being someone that we truly don’t want to be.
I wonder if Spike Lee will return with a second season.
The Melanin Pot!!! 